I really do fucking hate this now that I think of it. I have lived life vicariously through my imagination now for years. I really fucking hate everyone. It really makes me wonder why I haven't killed myself yet. It's been about 8 years or so since I last felt like living. I think it's just that even for a person as ungrateful as myself, I think killing myself is a bit too ungrateful. Till a few years ago I was religious. I don't know what went wrong, but it just stopped. It's not like I feel disillusioned or anything, I just somehow forgot all my devotion and everything. I still wanted to kill myself for years before losing faith, but Dharma always was a very solid deterrent. I have no such spiritual quest or desire left in me. I have all my original disinterest in life, but earlier my disinterest in Samsāra was a passion of truth beyond. Now my disinterest for Samsāra is purely a desire to kill myself.
If you are religious, cherish it. Faith is not something that comes easy. If your mind is clouded by Kāla, no amount of reasoning can bring you back. I wish I hated religion, and I wish I hated God. Then I could be like those faggot atheists and wish my own fate upon everyone else. But I don't even have that pleasure of being a proud atheist. I feel really bad when I see a believer lose faith, even if it's a fucking Christian or something. The closest thing to this is believing in the existence of a God but being abandoned and forsaken. But I don't even believe in God, I don't believe in anything. I have realised that it's a slippery slope ahead. I thought my initial whispers of disbelief were just general ideas that a student of Vedanta would get. I thought my disbelief would end there but my Dharma and moral compass would be eternal. Turns out that was bullshit too. I already had a natural lack of conscience, but now I simply don't care. Lying, cheating, stealing, everyday it makes less of a difference to me. That's all coupled with all the distortions childhood SA brings in your thought process. It's never ending and one day the gratefulness that convinced me to stay alive will fall apart