>suicidal perfectionist people pleaser who wants constant external supply
Anon, I get lots of cluster B vibes from your diary.
If you want someone to talk with about it, or in general, I'm around here.
A girlfriend is not the solution to your problems btw.
It looks like a vent journal, anon. It's fine, and it's quite invalidating to tell people to not express how bad they're feeling.
It's only a problem if it's taken to the extreme to the point you don't do anything with these pessimistic thoughts and it prevents you from doing anything.